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1. Wear black, and lots of it.
2. If someone else in the office has received flowers,
chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating
expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting
optional.
3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts
of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped
items like pins.
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4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers
through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the
singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you
for this, anyway).
5. For the rest of the day, labor over the effect
all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.
6. Return home and destroy at least one item given
to you by an ex.
7. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about
having a hot date.
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8. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every
channel is airing a clone of "While You Were
Sleeping" or, worse yet, a "Friends"
Valentine's Day.
9. Realize how lame not having a hot date is.
Head to bar.
10. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up
at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the
couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.
11. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling.
Wake up next to someone - male or female
- with way too much facial hair.
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12. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days.
Complain about never having a good Valentines Day.
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13. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled
"Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for
next Valentine'sDay.
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